Is Your Partner A Fellow?

The Society receives many enquiries from those who do not consider themselves pedants but suspect they live with one. Six questions follow. The Society does not, as a rule, contact the subject directly.

1. You are navigating, and say "take the next right." Your partner: Takes the next right. Says, "you mean the second right?" because there’s a small private driveway first. Gives a mini-lecture on the legal definition of an intersection. Refuses to turn because your instruction lacked cardinal directions. Ignores you entirely because they are still complaining about a poorly punctuated road sign you passed 14 kilometres ago.

2. You ask your partner to stop at the "ATM machine". Your partner: Pulls over at the bank. Blinks at you slowly. Says "The Automated Teller Machine machine?" Refuses to stop until you say it correctly.

3. You use the word "literally" for emphasis (e.g., "I literally died laughing"). Your partner: Laughs with you. Says "Figuratively literally." Asks you how you are managing to speak from beyond the grave. Updates their emergency contacts because they can no longer trust your assessment of critical situations.

4. Your partner receives a birthday card. The inscription reads "To you’re favourite cousin!" Your partner: Is touched. Is touched, and mildly wounded. Mentions it to several people. Keeps the card. As evidence.

5. You say, "Give me a minute." Your partner: Waits. Visibly starts a stopwatch on their phone. Issues formal calendar invitations for minor domestic tasks (e.g., "Take out the recycling") to ensure there is a digital paper trail of your tardiness.

6. In an average week, how often does your partner begin a sentence with the word "Actually…"? Rarely. Occasionally, when I am genuinely mistaken. Often enough that I wait for it. I have actively considered banning the word in our home. It is not just a word; it is their primary love language.